Since today is the official start of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia I’m going to be in the true Olympic spirit and give this movie, ThanksKilling, a Steelers Star Gold Medal (for stupidity in a film!) In fact, this movie won all the medals in the Bad Movie competition with the Bronze, Silver and Gold. ThanksKilling makes you feel dumber for simply watching 1 1/2 hours of this So-chi-T! I have to give credit where credit is due and considering there was probably about a grand total of two hours pre-planning put into this movie and this resulted in 90 minutes of movie, again, they get credit for making the most out of nothing. If there was to ever be a great team assembled of terrible movie writer/producers then the ‘talent’ that created ThanksKilling should win Gold for the next 4 Olympics with this disaster of a movie. Who says quality counts anyhow?
The Bronze goes to the absolutely horrible acting that didn’t even begin to try and be serious. Surprisingly enough it did not bother me as it typically would. Something about this particular set of Olympic/Actor wannabees is curiously fun. The characters were so ridiculous that you didn’t even have one iota of believe-ability with these Turkeys (Thanksgiving pun intended).
Next, the Silver medal for ThanksKilling goes to the ridiculous plot of the movie. A killer Turkey, are you serious? Somehow every 505 years the killer Turkey comes back to terrorize the human race. The over-dramatic scenes are simply awesome. With just a bit more gravy (Turkey pun intended) the plot itself might have been worthy of the Gold medal.
However, only one Gold medal can be awarded and this goes to the killer Turkey himself. His foul-mouth language, rotten behavior and witty remarks were simply a s’mash’; potato (more Turkey/Thanksgiving pun intended). Classic lines from Turkie (a.k.a. Killer Turkey who is the main character) spoken include “I quit him cold Turkey!”, “She got stuffed!” and “I’m making a Turkey sandwich”.
So, for this one exception I deem the award for this movie in Steelers Star Olympic Medals with 8 out of 10 stars (but don’t be a Turkie you yams!).
Nine Dead Review by Brandee
Genre: Crime, Drama, Horror
Nine Dead starring Melissa Joan Hart and William Lee Scott, is a movie about nine men and women from all walks of life who awake to find themselves abducted and chained to poles in the proverbial freakadelic room. Professionally, the characters run the gamut from a merchant and a deputy district attorney, to a police detective and a common street thug. We round out this crew with a Roman Catholic Priest and a Chinese woman who can speak no English. Seemingly, there is nothing these people could possibly have in common… they better figure it out, however. Because every 10 minutes their captor intends to kill them in a very precise order, one by one, until they either make the connection between them or they’re all dead.
This movie could have been great, but it wasn’t. It had a good story line, plot and the ending would have almost made it worth watching. Bad casting, overacting and terrible camera work killed this movie from the beginning. In fact, it was so bad I only agreed to do this review for my husband if he promised to never make we watch it again.
Think of Nine Dead as a sad, watered down version of SAW with less gruesome gore and intricate fabrications. We can only pray that unlike Saw, the makers of Nine Dead know when to quit and never make another chapter of this miserable movie.
2/10 Steeler Stars
Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead – Review by Brandee
Genre: Documentary, Health and Wellness
Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead follows the journey of a man, Joe Cross, who has a goal of reaching a healthy weight, ditching all of the medications he is on for high blood pressure and a rare debilitating autoimmune disease called chronic urticaria. He intends to accomplish this by consuming nothing but organic, raw juices he juices himself. Raw food is defined as food that has not been heated above 112 degrees Fahrenheit (a temperature that certain experts claim is the point at which healthy food enzymes die).
I found myself immersed in this documentary because I, too, have a chronic autoimmune disease. What a dream if would be to reach for the stars following this man’s philosophy! He did it; why couldn’t I? However, not all autoimmune diseases are created equally. Because mine is a digestive and gastrointestinal in nature, juicing turned out to be something my body could not withstand, I was unable to complete my mission.
The science behind this method is rather solid. It’s also rather common sense. It incorporates walking as start off exercise and as you gain strength, you’ll want to do more simply because you can. This will hold true with any diet plan that feeds your body what it needs in the healthy proportions it needs it. The 5 days I was able to follow the plan, I felt better. I had more energy and my steroid weight began to melt at a quick pace.
What separates this documentary from the hundreds like it, is that it was clear to me early on that Joe Cross was not out to make a million dollars- he already had it many times over. He was interested in making himself well because he truly was fat, sick and nearly dead. Joe discovers along the way, that his story not only inspires others, but seeing him go through the paces sets a fire under even those who are not overweight and simply feel bad for various reasons. I think Joe surprised himself. I think he had no idea what he had started. And what he has done since, is proof that he was never out to do anything more than help himself and others navigate our world of fast food, titanic proportions, astronomical medical bills and cut the cost of human life.
Rating: 8/10 Steeler Stars
CASE 39 – Reviewed by Brandee
Genre- Horror, Mystery, Thriller
Case 39 is a movie about a well meaning, over-worked and underpaid child social worker (Zellweger) who reluctantly takes in a young girl (Ferland) who has been assigned to her already heavy case load. The child is assigned case number 39. Lilith is a young girl who has seemingly been put through hell. Unfortunately, there is more to this scared, abused and beaten down child than anyone who is alive actually knows.
Though I am not a Renée Zellweger fan, the woman has great range and can act. She carried the film off well. Jodelle Ferland, (Lilith) the girl, has a knack for playing the creepiest kid on the block. She does it well and is notorious for making you feel uneasy in her on-screen presence.
I actually enjoyed this movie. The characters were not played over the top as they often are in this genre and there are several surprises waiting for you… around a corner… under a box. On the other end of the telephone.
4/10 Steeler Stars